The scent of oil paints

In the dark, I'm crying. Warm tears slip away from my eyes, run down my hollow cheeks, carrying away with them  memories of sadness and pain.

I feel dead.

Not a single day goes by without that  tell me how stupid I was. So foolish and in love even with the idea of love, that I threw myself into your arms, thinking of finding a refuge there, while they were nothing but the solid bars of a cage. I thought I had finally come home, I was sure that, there with you, was my place in the world. Close to you.

How much time have I spent losing myself in the reflections of your eyes, which like cruel games of illusions sent back the image of a happy me. Happiness was a mask, a deception. Now I know. I wish it wasn't too late ...

You lied to me. You took my feelings and reduced them to ashes, burned by the fury of your jealousy. You took my body and turned it into a shell of weak flesh, an empty shell, only bruised externally.

I loved you by canceling myself in your figure. I took your breath and made it mine. I held your heart in my hands, rocking it and healing it. But none of this has ever come back to me. Never again have you uttered a loving word. You never allowed me to become your reason for living. You just abused me, my feelings for you, my mind. You have prevented me from living a love free from constraints, as limits and barriers have been built by yourself. I stopped leaving the house, meeting people, behaving like a woman. You demanded and took my whole life, crumpling it up and throwing it in a corner of our house, ready to be used by you whenever you feel like it.

I felt dead.

Now, however, I see, in the arms of darkness that dance inside my head, a glimmer of light, a sign of life. The courage I forgot to have awakens and begins to rock vigorously in my veins. I feel it mounting me inside and guiding me out of this room, out of this life, out of my existence with you.

With one hand I wipe away the tears. Step by step, trembling but confident, I proceed towards that ray of light, attracted like a moth, but aware that I am not going to die. One step after another I will rebuild my dignity, my self-esteem, I will find love for myself. I don't need anything else. I do not need you. Now, I come back to live.